Time and Dirt
(First Day -- Previous Day -- Day 25 -- Next Day)
Day 25
Heliopause Colony on Planet Vertumna, Medbay
“Solane... ugh, I’m sorry, I might be a bit ... curt or surly today. I mean, more than I already was the previous day. The noises outside are getting worse. It’s not just the thunder of plasma rifles, the sparring of those violence-obsessed garrison members, or their disturbing chants about making everything submit to themselves.
There’s also so much else now, like endless harsh construction noises from the Engineering building. Are they forgetting that that’s also where all the class rooms are? How is anyone supposed to learn like that? As if school with all of its detached and theoretical talking wasn’t already bad enough of a place for that...
Or the unnatural sounds that come from Command and the underground storage caverns below it. Pulsating, weirdly rhythmic sounds punctuated by some low whoops and noises as if something heavy and gritty is being repeatedly dragged up stairs. I walk past it quickly now every time. Just in case, you know?
And when I did check the barn today for the first time in ... uhh, weeks, I could not only hear the same pained noises from the xenos and shouts from whoever it is working there now, but also eerie metal clanging and shrieks. I threw the barn doors open, only to not be able to see anything that could explain any of that. But a look at the floatcows and the other xenos, to see their widened eyes, was enough for me to sense how horribly unhappy they were being now.
I felt so guilty leaving them behind... because I had all the work in the fields still to do. Like I was failing them. I guess I really did, and I can’t even bring myself to apologize to them properly. Since I can’t really make it up to them, so I’m just stuck with their pain. I can even feel it when I’m outside. It’s like it’s in the air, or maybe that’s just the whole planet that’s in pain now. Sometimes I really think I’m hearing it cry out in agony. It wouldn’t be the first time I hear something I can’t place. But I feel like everyone would probably tell me it’s just my imagination, or stress... yet when I was stressed before this didn’t happen, I think. I *think*...
All of that can make me want to run away, with you and Dys. Get to somewhere where it’s still peaceful and quiet, and not fight nature here at every turn. Tend to our friends in the soil so they can all thrive, rather than being forced to neglect so many or only treat them as a means to an end. Especially not evil ends...
But of course you still have to stay here and... rest, and, ugh I can’t just leave everyone else behind either, everyone who counts on me to make sure we have crops to harvest and stuff to eat, something to live off. If I ran away now, what would my life be like, alone? I would be a miserable, empty shell. Maybe I could work out with Dys what is really going on with this planet, how life here works, figure out where the xeno attacks come from every year ... and then how we can bring it to an end.
Actually, I have a feeling he already *knows*, but doesn’t want to say.
Honestly, by now I can’t blame him. Still, I don’t want to become as cynical as him. We’ll have to try to find a way, one way or another ... the problem is going to be convince him of that. Maybe I could start by getting him to tell me more about the ecology of the plants, xenos and fungi living outside the colony walls, somehow.
Tomorrow’s another council meeting, should I just try rile Governor Lum up again? Heh. That could get Dys’ attention again...
And then I’ll get you some more flowers, too, like I promised. And ask Doctor Instance what these devices are meant to do, I forgot to today... they look so strange. Almost featureless boxes just with connectors that probably are operated with a holopanel of sorts for who knows what.
I still think all you need is rest. I mean, remember what her previous attempt did to you? It was terrifying to see that... why does it seem like people like her are so eager to use all that weird technology even when there’s not even any need... Instead of just using it where we know it has its use, like in the xeno lab, you know? Which is currently abandoned and empty, I hope it’ll be still in working order when you wake up.
Normally I would keep an eye on it and at least make sure it doesn’t get all dusty or anything, but I’m so swamped with work now, still catching up with weeding, still doing plowing, sowing and planting of carrots, parsnips and garlic, and now preparing our other crops for the acid snow next year also has to start. If there’s even a point to it, at this point I’m not sure the colony will still be standing next year...
But like, I feel like I’m just climbing a rope every day, and my hands are getting tired. I barely feel present anymore and it’s just making me sad how little I manage to still take in the wonders of this world. Noticing the small sprouts spreading their leaves, the tiniest of xenos crawling or slithering onto them and the sounds of the larger ones fluttering or skittering on the sides. Although now you couldn’t hear them anymore anyway... So I’m just hanging on, just trying to get from dawn to breakfast, breakfast to lunch, and lunch to dinner and finally to dusk, just thinking of when I can eat next, and waiting for the time I can finally come to visit you. That’s what keeps me going, really. You, Solane. Please get well soon.
I should leave, but I really don’t want to. W-what if you wake up right then and I’m not here? Maybe tickling you could help? Doctor Instance probably didn’t even think of that yet! Heh...
Watch out, Solane, here it comes!
Tickle, tickle, tickle!
... Hey, your hand... it reached for mine... oh stars, you could really feel that, don’t you?
You aren’t just reflexively pulling away, you can tell exactly where I am, you ... notice me every time I come here, don’t you? I am ... really not just talking to the air or anything. No, of course I didn’t actually think that, but it’s what other people think. What I have overheard them say in the cafeteria where I now sit so alone every day...
But I could never talk back to them. On the one thing that matters the most to me, I didn’t have the strength to do so, because they were making me doubt myself. Now though... Let me take your hand in mine and hold it tight.
If I could, I would never let you go again. Even if... even if you would only ever be able to respond to me with more xeno grunts, heh. Knowing that you are aware of me, that you are still here with me, is enough.
I won’t leave you, even when I’m not here in the medbay with you, I’ll always be nearby. I promise. And you’ll always be close to me. I know it.
Soon you’ll join me again among our growing and flowering friends, among all the fungi, and our family will be reunited.
For now, I guess I’ll do my best to care for them. I’ll be back tomorrow to tell you more about them!”